March 4, 2008

• I always knew or thought of her as The Idyll and she would follow me as she does now.

  She knows but knows not this feeling like a spark that smoldered into a small flame upon some primordial fuel.

  Alive and at last the spark ignited

  Her image came to me when I was 8 or 10 years old. Whereafter a sort of spirit possesses some, such that they have this unmistakeable look in the way their eye lashes curl when they laugh; but this is just a tease. A small possession as if passing through another using that body to smile, wink or remind me, that she is there She is blond but her beauty is not universal: it is as if I had to wait for her to be born for me. As if her creation was of mine own mind yet manifested by some other body, as surely it would have to be

  The spark ignited reciprocity

  Decades of lament, failed romance, sexual unfulfillment no true happiness even by acquaintance. My life was incomplete

  Surely I must be Gay, Heterosexual Patriarchy and all of its foils had played some cruel trick upon me. leaving me abandoned in ignorance

  But if bisexuality is being free then the person may be of the opposite sex or maybe not. So the truths I found in this regard made no contradiction but served to corroborate this possibility

  So it was not until late in life when finally she came to me; for this was surely her, none came ever so close in appearance. All intangible desires seemed to become manifest, simultaneously, here, it seemed, was the answer to all abstract and ephemeral desires
  …

  So close, but how could it all fall apart so quickly. As a phantom disappearing through my hands or a dream so real surely it must be and I look around yet not a trace. Is this my folly? Or is there something more

  For when it seemed the foregoing was more than certain, one I barely noticed somehow intervened and now she comes again but at this conjunction takes the spark, connecting nurturing it into the small flame, making herself known in a subtle manner and discretely.

  This imperative distraction is telling me, No,the first or other, it’s not her !!

  But why not the first time? Was this a period we had to live through to experience and “grow”

  So I see her looking down upon this little flame, protecting it from the wind or rain, leaving me to wonder if she is saying or thinking, it is me

  I can almost feel and smell her hair and her flesh teased beneath her flannel shirt, smooth and warm to her and mine hand

  I can see her look … surely she can see me

  • 4:31 pm
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