August 30, 2008
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Is being attracted to someone else when you are in a relationship cheating? Why or why not?
It might indicate potential cheating
If I commit to someone then I Love them and I would be entirely focused on them; there could be no distractions. Once I started looking elsewhere I would be distracted which would indicate want.
Otherwise there’s the player thing and no one plays as much as girls. Essentially how this works is that the other distracts you and you become focused on them but if there is no committment then there is want and then you eventually look elsewhere; if you don’t, they will; if or when you don’t look elsewhere then all of your potential Loves depart and at some time or for various durations end up with others … which they are probably doing anyway.
Swingers say that people are not monogamous. I think that monogamy is relative in terms of duration; but that if you really Love someone you will remain focused on them for as long as true Love lasts and that can be for a really long time
I just answered this Featured Question; you can answer it too!
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oXo
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Comments (13)
Does that mean thinking about the same person every time you jerk off?
Yes; most Definitely !!
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oXo
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Monogamy is in terms of behavior. Feelings are separate from behaviors. Feelings are not rational and they don’t submit to “shouls” or “should not” rules. It is wrong to say “I should not feel this” or “I should feel tha”. You can’t say that youI shouldn’t feel fearful” or you shouldn’t have this feeling which is sexist, or racist, or sexual. You can say that you shouldn’t act on those feelings (that is behavioral). If you are in a monogamous relationship, it’s okay to feel attracted to someone else – just dont perform any actions which would be hurtful to your monogamous other. To feel attracted to someone else should be a learning experience. You should reflect on why you are attracted to this other person. You should use it as an opportunity to learn about yourself. The more you learn about yourself, and what you find attractive, the better person you can be to your significant other. If you deliberately shun those experiences so you don’t know yourself, you are not being fair to either yourself or your other.
Do NOT fall into the fallacy that thinking something is as wrong as doing something. They are completely different parts of ourselves and that line of thinking only produces guilt. It also produces a means of control if someone else is trying to make you feel guilty for those feelings. You should insist on only judging yourself (or letting others judge you) by your actions and behaviours.
@curiousdwk - I disagree with you 100%. The level of consciousness I operate on at even the most mundane degrees of existence are much more highly evolved than what you allude to here which in terms of the 7 levels is one rung up from blind judgment – e.g., I have a hard on, here’s a hole, stick it in, fuck and cum; the next rung is sensuality – wow look at those tits I’l go after this hole instead. The one above that is sentimentality. Do you understand what that is?
What I’m talking about in terms of masturbation is Sex Magick. Ritualistically devoting my cum to the dietization of a human being, as both sword and chalice I create instead of a child a Goddess or God – “Gods do not create men, men create the gods” – Fritz Lang from “Contempt”.
But I am so glad that you wrote this for it has sparked the realization within me that maybe it’s time that I return to the reinvigoration of myself as god and give up on others altogether. Let’s see how they fare alone !!
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When I do these rituals I sleep well at night, alone, in the blackness, with a clear mind and conscience devoid of fear or any unpleasantries whatever.
If I go to some place like xPeeps and just abuse my cock with a mental free for all in regards to all the nudity, sex or whatever or do likewise with videos or camming and just shoot cum mindlessly like dogs fucking then my sacred space is annihilated and becomes flooded with psychic debris: the little demons of the abyss begging and screaming for substance and solidity. Perhaps you and others enjoy that sort of thing. I know many hide it with drugs, alcohol, more sex and other people
I need none of that and no one
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oXo
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I liked your answer! Thanks for the rec.
@curiousdwk - I tend to think our thoughts do tend to manifest themselves and have power, how strong depending on how much emotion gets linked.
@storyslut - O no problem Doll. At least for me there is a committment threshold. Here is also where your theory comes into play – viz., thoughts manifest themselves – I don’t think there’s any doubt. One or the other proposes committment – opening oneself up to that and orally affirming it – like a wedding vow or any contract, invokes conscience – e.g., do you conscientiously Honor your committment.
If I Love somebody to such extent that they overwhelm my heart, my thoughts and I’m in a state of perpetual aroousal, Love sick, then everything else pales in comparison and my complete attentions are devoted to that person. This is where it’s dangerous because some people allow themselves to presume that because they feel so in Love that the other does too, which we all know is not always the case.
It’s like an act of discipline. If you feel you Love them then don’t fall until the other does – i.e., propose committment and see what they do; and once that threshold is crossed by both then for me anyway you have a sacred space with that person. For me I’m already married to them – to Love Honor and Cherish – they’re everything to me. They’re in my heart and soul when they’re away and when we’re together
And my fulfillment in large part comes from that committment – both contribute into it and make it grow. So if she has her period or doesn;t want to do it I’m still going to devote myself to her not some bimbo I don’t even know – I just don’t understand how guys can do that it seems so disingenuous.
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oXo
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“It’s like an act of discipline. If you feel you Love them then don’t fall until the other does – i.e., propose committment and see what they do; and once that threshold is crossed by both then for me anyway you have a sacred space with that person. For me I’m already married to them – to Love Honor and Cherish – they’re everything to me. They’re in my heart and soul when they’re away and when we’re together” I am going to take this to heart, thanks!
@storyslut -
“Ritualistically devoting my cum to the dietization of a human being, as both sword and chalice I create instead of a child a Goddess or God.” Do you realize how full of crap that sounds? You might not mean it to be crap, but it doesn’t communicate anything but the jibberish of some cult. Sorry. I don’t buy it.
@curiousdwk - why what do you do when you cum “toss off a load”? sounds groovy. Who affirms your act? Aside from Hugh Hefner et al
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oXo
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Being polyamorous in nature, I find that it is highly natural and organic for me to feel deep love for more then one person. That does not mean that I always feel a need to be with them in the physical sense. For me, layers of love tend to get compartmentalized: I don’t retract the love I feel when I’m feeling like I’m not getting enough attention and I am hardly a woman that plays games if I can help it. For me…loss of a love feeling directly stems from very specific sorts of rejection. I can love someone that has hurt me deeply, but once they reject me in very specific ways my love…just dies within and no matter how much I wish to revive it, I simply cannot.
I conceed that attraction to others when you are in a committed relationship may come across as cheating, but we would not be human if we didn’t feel drawn to people whom speak to our souls even when we are eveloped and happy within a committed relationship. So to me…the level of HOW attracted you let yourself become to another is more important then that you ARE or whether or not you make a move on them. Asking someone to never think of anyone but yourself is sort of unreasonable because it is a goal which you yourself will never really know was achieved, even if I truely believe that there are people completely capable of doing that in the world. I do have the ability to make a single person the center of my world beyond my own polyamours nature, but since I have yet to meet a single person that has not rejected me in the most painful way that cause the most damage…I have yet to be able to focus all of my pure love on one person.
I understand completely that you feel that when you are in love that the person who is the object of your love is the whole universe…but I have to ask if you have ever felt this particular way about more then one person at a time? If you have, then you clearly could understand exactly the place that my heart lives all the time.
So to me, being attracted if you break the facts down, yes it is cheating to a degree……but then doesn’t that make so many of us sinners and not saints? And is that really so wrong…….in my eyes, no.
@ExposedWrists - I understand what you refer to. I used to be the same way but key to your declaration is the following:
“I have yet to meet a single person that has not rejected me in the most painful way that cause the most damage…I have yet to be able to focus all of my pure love on one person….I understand completely that you feel that when you are in love that the person who is the object of your love is the whole universe…but I have to ask if you have ever felt this particular way about more then one person at a time? If you have, then you clearly could understand exactly the place that my heart lives all the time”.
What the foregoing says to me, in the context of your answer, is that either you met met the person you completly and thoroughly Love and refuse to allow yourself to fall for them or else you haven’t met them. I didn’t until I was in my 50s and then realized that I was never in Love before.
Rejection is not an issue with me, lack of reciprocity is. It is possible that a person falls in Love with someone but the other hasn’t the same feelings. That is not really rejection it’s more like an open admission of “I don’t Love you”.
But this is not an easy issue, in the context of the discussion, which concerns attraction and masturbation; so let me ask you – have you ever made Love with someone, couldn’t cum, wanted to and imagined they were someone else and then you were able to cum? Were you fucking or masturbating? What was the attraction?
Now I’ll answer your question – yes but briefly before Love truly blossomed – I met this person on line and suspected I was going to be in Love with them, interacted with them briefly and then they disappeared. In the meantime I met someone else on line and the feeling I had was like someone body slammed me and said her !! she is it !! And we hit it off immediately, unfortunately she was involved with someone else;attentions became too dissipated and confused and the other person came back and we soon spent many hours together on line and for me I felt Love like I never had before; temptation and distraction were there at various times and I wanted to try this with the other but she refused. In practical terms the 2nd would have been better – she liked that I dressed had a smooth body, plus diet-wise &c, but she went for excessively long periods ignoring me and the other won my heart because she called me at least once a day sometimes many times a day … but what does all of this have to do with masturbation?
I dietized myself. In words, I masturbated to myself and did so for many years. So I needed no one. Humanity could go fuck itself. I had no interest. The problem occurred because the Goddess went apeshit with some Gay/bisexual issue some dubious Homo interposed in her mind. So my creation of me, which had assumed a life of its own suddenly changed. The first knowledge of this, other me, occurred by looking into the mirror and having a dream about it later. My 1st interaction was in a dream and it was ok maybe because I woke up suddenly by an intrusive noise; but essentially I saw myself in another room, I walked to me, we embraced, madeout, French kissed, rubbed our asses, backs and thighs but the other me’s eyes were closed and I awoke suddenly. The next time was far more profound and was a lucid dream I was in my front room against my bedroom doorframe and the other me was limp but alive as if drugged or in a trance, we French kissed and felt I could only feel the other me and decided I wanted to suck my cock so I set myself in a chair and started licking my balls rubbing my cock and sucking on it which was becoming nicely hard and was fully erect and throbbing so as I was on my knees licking the frenum I looked up at my face and the other me opened it’s eyes suddenly and cast a really evil looking smile upon me. I was startled, shocked, felt thoroughly challenged and knew I had to bring myself under my will – realizing at the same time that this was something like a clone of me but was different than the one before and also I could not see myself thru it whereas with the other it was like being close to a full length mirror where I used to imagine becoming one with my image. It took a tremendous amount of Power to set this new thing into a trance and regain control.
This occurred because the person I Love imposed her Homophobia upon me and either became involved with another person(s), or merely decided they didn’t Love me. So I think at least for me self-dietization isn’t worth the bother or else I’d have to return to being alone.
But soon after interacting on line with the 1st person I realized that I Loved her and I began ritualistically using her as my Goddess image and devoting my orgasms to her. The more I focused solely on her the better and more intense my orgasms were and I actually prayed to her as I would to God and thus committed blasphemy of placing her as my self made Goddess before God. This made my orgasms to her even more intense and essentially as good as I’d have with actual sex.
Unfortunately she became uneasy with this and then the aforesaid situation of autoscopy occurred.
About 30 years ago, I learned that the best orgasms are where a woman may become pregnant and in two known cases actually does – both miscarriages; and then learned that this is an impractical means of having sex or else really expensive so I came upon the self challenge that such orgasm is psychological and may be found and experienced by some other means of creation – Genesis is the description of God, the cock, jizzing Yods upon the Mother earth egg – so with this one woman I discovered that this could be done. She was my first and maybe my only.
This made me reassess everything I’ve ever known and looked on regarding sex.
As it presently stands this situation as it existed died because she became involved with other men (my theory which she has denied) and/or because of her perverse views regarding bisexuality. So the only remnant is (a) if I imagine her as Silvia Saint doing other men or (b) telling me to be free and to cum thinking of her with the stimulus of others – e.g., porno videos. Either is far less intense than the 9 months I had with her as my Goddess; and so far nothing else works; my cock is essentially dead and does not work properly in any other conjunction. It’s like a woman trying to have sex with an animal, the animal just isn’t into it.
The other aspect for me is that Love and Sex are inextricably intertwinned. So even before these instances I had sex with others, got bored with them quickly; would have relationships but attracted to others because I was never really in Love. I didn’t know what it was.
Cure me help me to find another way
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oXo
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Okay..now that I see the context of this post was about sex and masturbation…
I will answer: Yes I have thought of someone else whenever I’ve had sex or made love with another person. Actually I can pretty much shamefully admit that I do that quiet often, so if that makes me a dirty cheating hoe…well then so be it!
Weirdly enough, I have fantazied about person I was at the time having actual sex with, but remembering another encounter with them and not focusing the one we were currently engaged in.
But for me, often the fantasy revolves around my particular fetish and thinking about it, which is that I have a hand fetish. I think about hands and images of where they are touching, what they are touching, how the light hits them, whether they are aggressive or soft and seductive. I would say more often then not, it is purely the hands I see…not who they are attached to in the fantasy.
Sometimes I do think of other people…but mostly it is hands and how they look to me.